A "Victim's" Story

Sex Ain't Better Than Love…

It’s so amazing how events that have happened in the past subconsciously control our current actions. It took me 8 years to realize that, I was actually molested when I was 13.

It all started one summer when I was 13 years old, at this time in my life I knew what sex was but had never had an encounter with it. The older guy that lived down stairs had begun to take an interest in me. He was about 4 years older, he was tall, handsome, athletic, and a ladies man. At first he would just fondle me for a few minutes and let me go. I never reciprocated, I just sat there and let it happen never saying “No” or “Stop”. I was afraid and confused all at the same time. I thought because it felt good I was guilty of something. At this time in my life I also had low self-esteem, which I believe also played a huge factor. So this went on for a few months and gradually it escalated. I’ll never forget the day he took my virginity, I felt so defeated and stupid. How could I be so voiceless and let this person take over my life?

As I listened to the girls at school talk about being with older guys, I began to normalize this behavior. I thought everyone was doing it and that it was okay. After a little over a year I began to get tired of my molester and began to try and avoid him at all cost. It got so bad that I lied and said I had my period to get him to leave me alone.

I cannot really remember how it ended but I’m glad it did. Maybe he got the hint or maybe he found someone else to terrorize. I then began following a group of girls from school. I was hanging out with older guys, drinking, and having sex.

It wasn’t until this year (8 years later) that I first realized that I was actually molested and seen the situation for what it was. The light came on, when a significantly older man became interested in me and somehow triggered the thought and feelings. After this new self-realization, I began to really analyze myself. And it brought me back to a comment that my boyfriend had made before. He couldn’t understand why I was so open sexually with other guys and not with him. And honestly I wondered the same thing, but never openly talked about it. I figured it out, the problem was, I had a disconnect between sex and love, real love. I didn’t know how to interact sexually in a loving environment. Don’t get me wrong I had thought that I was in love before but was sadly mistaken.

My boyfriend and I are working on this and he is very understanding. Making love to my boyfriend is the most amazing thing in the world and has given me a deeper connection to him, my first real love.